Thoughts for Myself

Growing pains

When I was younger, I was always somebody’s or something’s someone. I was a child of my parents. I was a student of a certain educational institution. I was an employee of a certain organization. I was seen as only a certain part of an established whole. Especially when I returned to my country of origin. People wanted to know about the parents, the educational institution, the organization that I was a part of, and they thought they knew the whole of me.

 

But I was always uncomfortable with such deductive reasoning. People’s ideas and expectations derived from those established wholes did not necessarily apply to me. But being young, I felt I had to live up to them. So I began to put on a coat decorated with all those ideas and expectations. And while I wore it, it felt good – it was fancy and frilly and people loved me wearing it. But when I took it off, it became harder to find the me that was wearing it.

 

I was lost in my coat for quite a while. And the more I got lost, the prettier the coat got. So pretty, so decorated, so heavy, that I could not move the way I wanted to wearing it. I looked not like me, I acted not like me… I thought not like me. It became all too much for me. I had to stop wearing the coat before I lost myself forever.

 

I believe I hung up the coat just in time to salvage whatever that was left of me. I had so much to lose, but I think I had to go through all this to grow out of it. I was reborn. And now?

 

Maybe I am finally starting to grow into my new self – very slowly, and still with a lot of awkwardness, but surely.

Maybe my new self will grow onto me over time – then I might be able to accept and appreciate those established wholes that make up parts of me.

Maybe at last I am learning to grow up – I am liking every bit of it, all the gains and even the pains.

 

And maybe one day, I will become somebody else’s someone. I will have more reasons to keep growing up. A birthday once more… yeah, that would be very nice.

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