Today is a holiday in my homeland “to get in touch with nature, thank its blessings, and become enriched at heart.” I thought about visiting one of the gardens nearby, but we had a rather stormy weather today so I decided to get in touch with another kind of nature – my nature.
I am a grown-up, but I still struggle to find my true self, just as much as I did in adolescence many many years ago. I am still unsure of the qualities that make me distinctly me, and I am uncertain of what kind of a character I want to take on. I am a different person every day, and I think I enjoy being them while I play those roles, but I do not feel completely comfortable with any of them.
I often find myself thinking “this isn’t me.” I act Asian because I look Asian, but it does not feel right because I think in a more Western way. I may appear bold and adventurous to my people because I have thoughts that go beyond their imagination, but (you probably know by now) I am actually very fearful and cautious. I try to be kind and affectionate, but most of the time I want to be selfish and maintain a certain distance from the people around me.
Maybe I am dishonest because I do not act the way I think.
Maybe I am deceiving, intentionally misleading people to believe I am the person I really am not.
Maybe I am a phony, trying to be someone else I can never be.
Maybe I am all of the above.
But maybe I still have some hope of becoming none of the above.
Maybe it is not that “this isn’t me,” it is ust that “it hasn’t become me.”
I may not naturally act Asian, or be bold and adventurous, or feel kind and affectionate. But maybe it will become more natural if I keep at it.
Maybe with time, it will become second nature for me to be all this.
Maybe it will take a lifetime to find out my true self and be completely comfortable with who I really am.
But by then, maybe it will not matter if I became the person I am by nature or the qualities I wish to have became second nature.
I used to think that when you become a grown-up, you become a complete and stable being. But my existence, well into my grown-up years, is still so fragmental and fragile… I suppose my real struggle then is in accepting this fact and trying to keep growing up.