Finally, I’m back!
It has been a looong four months since my last tat. I missed it sooo much, these days I even began to tat in my dreams! But the wait is over, and I was given a go to once again tat all I want starting this weekend.
I have no one to blame but myself for this, though. I put myself on hold because of a bad habit I have been meaning to give up forever… I am extremely embarrassed to admit it, but it is nail-biting. I am quite a heavy nail-biter, and I have been ever since early childhood. I have tried to quit it, and so many people around have tried to help me quit it, but I have not been successful to date.
I usually start biting unconsciously, but even after I become aware of myself nibbling at my nails, I am often unable to stop. I think the guilt and frustration I feel upon realizing yet again that I am biting my nails contribute in perpetuating this abominable behaviour. As much as I love to stop, I hate to let go of this strange sense of solace in nail-biting.
(Please skip the next couple of paragraphs if you do not wish to know the ugly truths of my habit.)
At times, I go so far I scar the skin and flesh around and beneath the nails, causing infections. It hurts, it looks gross, and it limits what the fingers can do while the bandage is on, so you would think I would be more than inclined to quit biting my nails, right? Well, unfortunately, these reasons have never been enough. Until now, that is.
This time, I went too far. The infection spread wide and deep, and made the nail fall off. I had to have the entire finger covered up and take medications to avoid any further germ- (and self-) inflicted injuries. And the doctor told me to keep the affected finger out of use as much as possible, until he deemed it healed. This meant absolutely no tatting!
Maybe my nail-biting, as bad a habit as it is, has been a necessary evil in me.
Maybe to an extent, it has served a function, i.e., to relieve stress, although not in the best way.
But maybe evil will always be bad, even if it seems necessary.
And maybe there will come a time when you are made aware that the good you think you are getting out of necessary evil is really no good at all.
I think I have at last come to the realization during this four-month hiatus from tatting that nail-biting is really bad for me. In tatting, I have found a much better and more productive way to serenity (and probably sanity, too!). I now know that not being able to tat weighs far more costly than all the benefits I can get out of nail-biting.
So, maybe I have ultimately found a good enough reason to quit my bad habit once in for all.
Maybe the next time I am about to chew away at my nails, the good I see in tatting will remind me that there is no good in the evil of nail-biting.
Now, if only I could stay away from my other bad habit – getting too absorbed in something, like tatting. I have now been tatting for a whole day, and I cannot seem to stop! Oh, how hard it is to strike a good balance in life…