I love tatting. I love it very much. And I am very proud of being in love with it!
But I must say, my love for tatting has been very conditional. I only love it if it is reasonably challenging so that I get pleasure but no stress out of it. There cannot be too many repetitive elements or I will quickly become bored and lose interest. I seem to have strong preferences for certain aspects, so I am clearly biased when choosing which projects to take on. And most of all, it shall never come between me and my other love, kakuro!
During my four-month hiatus, I had a lot of time to think about all this.
Maybe I have been selfish, trying to take everything it has to offer but never giving anything in return.
Maybe I have been controlling, laying down strict laws and threatening to pull back if they are breached.
Maybe I have been disrespectful, only seeing in it what I want to and not accepting all aspects of it.
And maybe I have been manipulative, testing how far I can go without having to choose between my two loves.
But more than all of the above, maybe I have been dishonest, afraid to admit to myself the possibility that the love may one day die out, or some situation will present itself which makes it difficult to continue loving.
In a way, a little time away from tatting made my heart grow fonder of it. And as such, it made me want to work harder to keep my love for it fresh. When I came back from the hiatus, I started thinking about how I could make my love for it more unconditional.
I have yet to find any specific ways of loving unconditionally, but maybe I am starting to get a vague idea – maybe I need to condition myself to love unconditionally. Maybe I need to work on turning my eyes to the things I have ignored in the past, and learn to accept them.
Maybe the conditioning will be very gradual.
Maybe there will be times I will not love tatting as much as I do now.
But maybe my love will gain more depth and width, and reach new heights and go far beyond what I could possibly imagine at this moment.
So, for starters, this past weekend I tried breaking one of the conditions, boredom, by tatting the same motif three times.
And it was not as bad as I suspected! Okay, so I kept the other conditions in place – choosing a pattern I cannot help being attracted to, and using threads of colours that always put me in a good mood – but I am already seeing many more possibilities in my tatting. Unconditional love takes continuous work, but I think I am ready to explore it further… I cannot wait to find new dimensions and frontiers!