I try to portray a coherent “me.” I have a few simple rules I set for myself to maintain myself within a certain range of acceptableness. I hold steady standards by which I rate my emotions so that people around me are clear on how I will react.
But, I am only human. I have my good days and I have my bad days… there are some days I appear incoherent with the usual “me,” breaking my simple rules and not meeting my steady standards. And on these days, people would tell me “it’s not like you!” But what is it really to be, or not be, like me?
Maybe the “me” who sets rules is like me, but not really me.
Maybe the “me” who holds standards is acting like me, but not really being me.
So, then, who is this person like me but not really me?
Maybe it is the ideal person I aim to be.
Or maybe it is the supposed person others expect me to be.
Maybe it could even be the person balancing the real me, the ideal me, and the supposed me.
And maybe they are all equally me, albeit not always being equivalent to one another.
Maybe some days they pull me in such different directions, I seem “not like me.”
But maybe those are the days on which I shed the me I do not like and grow into the me I like more.
Maybe it will take time to feel comfortable being the new me, but I know it will grow on me.
Like I said, I am only human. I have my good days and I have my bad days… but these are the days that make me grow, from the “like me” who I do not like to the “not like me” who I will come to like.
Maybe it will take a lifetime to consolidate all the me’s in me. And until then, I will go back and forth between “like me” and “not like me”… like it or not. But I hope I will have more time liking myself than not as I grow. I hope you will too.