It has been a very busy month for me. I do not mind it, because I find it better than being idle – then I wouldn’t know what to do with myself! But I must apologize for not being able to show up here sometimes with all my thoughts collected and organized and ready to be read through in one take… like today.
I know, if I do not have enough time to scribble everything I want to for the day, I can take a day (or more) off from coming here until I am able to. But I also know, if I allow myself such leniency, I would soon stop jotting down any line at all and forget that I ever existed here.
It is a bad habit of mine. I want to do new things, I want to have fun doing them, and I want to do them with people who will have fun with me. But after a while, the things I started to do will not be so new any more, much of the fun that I used to feel is lost, and I begin to have a hard time being around people still having fun. And once I become aware of this, I cannot go back to having fun with them… the things or the people. I drop off the face of the earth, never to come in contact with them.
Maybe I have too short an attention span?
Maybe I crave too much the stimulation from novelty?
Or maybe it is just my excuse not to form strong and lasting bonds with others?
I am not a shrink, so I cannot say what is at the base of this bad habit or how I can treat it from the root cause. All I can say is that I have it, I know it is bad, and I want to fix it. And living with myself all my life has given me some insight on the signs to watch out for and symptoms not to ignore… and steps to take to avoid falling into the same cycle over and over again.
Maybe I can keep myself focused by setting goals.
Maybe I can learn to routinize so I get satisfaction out of repeating.
And maybe I will find a few who I can maintain bonds with at a reasonable distance.
With regards to this site, I have so far set goals, nearly routinized making a post a day, and been so very fortunate to meet quite a few whom I enjoy having as visitors (and secretly visit in return from time to time… oh, yes, I really do!). I am still having a lot of fun coming here to scribble, so I can honestly say that my bad habit has not kicked in yet.
But I know myself, and I know it surely will some day. And when it does, I will know whether I have come to know myself well enough to finally be able to drop the bad habit, or keep trying till I drop.
And you should know, I hope to keep you guessing as to whether or not I have succeed… till you drop by again!