If you could be anything you wanted to be, what would you wish to be?
Maybe your answer will vary depending on your current mood or situation you are in.
But maybe there are some things that keep recurring in your thoughts?
Well, for me, I desperately wish I could be a recluse from time to time. If I did not have to earn a living, and if I could get all my needs (I will not ask for much – just some food and water, clothing, threads for tatting, and Kakuro whenever new publication comes out!) satisfied without going out, I would happily stay home all day every day without ever feeling the urge to see or talk to anyone!
I feel the need to get away all the time because I am not good at interacting with others and I very easily get my life sucked out of me in social situations. It exhausts me to be in company with others, even when I am with the nicest and dearest… it must be my trait, I cannot help it. So I seek to maintain a certain distance from everyone to avoid becoming completely drained.
It usually works out just fine, but there is a group of people who cannot leave me alone when I run for cover. They call my state of mind of wishing to become a happy recluse “hibernation” (they are the people who jokingly refer to me as “polar bear”) and keep banging on my door until I come out of it. I receive more phone calls and texts than I can handle from them, inviting me to go out with them. They tell me it will be fun, but they have no idea it is THE thing I am running away from!
So, what to do?
Maybe I can tell them that I am tied up in work at the moment… but that would give them additional reason to take me out, to give a break from daily hassles.
Maybe I can tell them that I already have plans to go out with other friends… but they will most likely ask me to give them a report afterwards, meaning at least one more interaction I do not want.
Maybe I can tell them that I am staying home to complete a tatting project or solve Kakuro puzzles… but they see them as temporary pacifiers and not the healthiest solutions to the stress I am feeling, so I can only imagine an overpour of earful from them.
Or maybe I can tell them nothing and stay quiet until they get tired and give up trying to get me to come out of my “hibernation”… no, that will never work, as they have proven to be relentlessly persistent (or perhaps insistent) on my being socially active, just as they are.
Besides, I do not think I can keep ignoring them, knowing that they are doing it all out of love for me. I cannot fully appreciate it, but I do not want to be completely ungrateful. I would probably be crushed by guilt and be even more stressed out… and maybe end up lashing out at them for imposing their ideal on me and not seeing me for who I truly am.
Hmm, maybe what is stressing me the most is becoming the angriest polar bear if I am awaken, however lovingly, from my retreat. Maybe I am scared of hurting the people around me with my sharp claws and teeth I hide behind my seemingly harmless appearance.
Maybe polar bears like me – not anti-social but perfectly happy being a recluse – are a rare find around you, but we do exist. If you find one, do not approach them aggressively and try to wake them, no matter how much you love them. You would not want them to turn into angry bears, would you? Please let them enjoy their time alone, and wait for them to come out of “hibernation” in their own time.
Maybe this is not the ordinary way you show love, but it is the way most appreciated and strongly felt!