When I started this blog, I set three goals. I thought setting goals would keep it simple and on track… but I wanted to maintain some room to experiment and explore. So I named the third goal “the mystery” – to go with the flow and let it take me to wherever it leads to.
I had regretted setting it as one of the goals. I said experiment and explore, but maybe in actuality, all I wanted was an excuse to ease my conscience for never trying hard enough to swim against countercurrents, and to escape from the guilt and shame of always letting myself drift further away from where I want to be.
Giving up on myself too easily has always been my weakness. I think it has something to do with being a Westernized Asian, never knowing for sure where I stand, what to think, or how to feel. Because I feel I am “incomplete” as either a Westerner or an Asian, whenever someone strongly insists that I am not standing or thinking or feeling right, I do not have solid grounds on which to argue against, and thus, cannot hold my own. I had no “me” that could exist constantly and consistently.
But just the other day, I was told by a “complete” Westerner visiting my homeland that he was glad I existed “incomplete,” because I was the only one who could bridge him to “complete” Asians during the time we shared. What a strong current of emotion he stirred up in me… I was filled with joy and relief that I was a matter that mattered!
Since then, I have been thinking, maybe it is okay for me to drift here and there. I will always have doubts about my true self and be easily swayed when waves of identity crises hit me, but if that is what it takes to reach both Western and Asian shores, maybe I can live with being forever “incomplete.”
Maybe if I can insist strongly that I prefer to call it experimenting and exploring, I can make going with the flow my constant and consistent strength.
And maybe I will find out what the mystery goal might be, much sooner than expected… if and when I do, I will be sure to share with you the complete story of how it revealed itself!
Maybe saying is believing – you keep saying what you want long enough, and you will come to believe in your ability to make it come true.
Tell me, then, what will you say?